When you aren’t sure if your ex was a Narcissist..

Before I realized what my ex was, during the discard/silent treatment I found myself writing poems… or thoughts. Look at the words you used before you did your research to describe your experiences, during your confusion and hurt. For example, here is a poem I wrote way back on a night i was extremely sad when still receiving the “silent treatment” from my Narc… I titled it “Good Morning”.

lead me back to bed when I’m sleepwalking
When I wake I don’t know where I am or remember who I was. I only know I heard You say forever. 
Why does consciousness disturb every word
You’ve ever promised me? 
Nights like this You used to sing me back to sleep 
But only unbroken hearts can listen to such a twisted melody 
And In the silence your smile was the last thing I saw 
As I felt my ears start to bleed I knew 
I Should’ve believed in the stories old sailors told at sea
 but I Never heard a siren’s song until you sang for me
A sound so strange and beautiful  that makes young love unable to see 
we are too starry eyed and spell bound to realize such sweet lullabies only exists in dreams. 
and another one I had started, but never finished…
Two masks one black one one white
each led me in a dance that night
It wasn’t until I started reading and researching that I found these are common feelings and words used to describe a narcissist and their relationships with victims.
Feeling like you’re in a dream … cognitive dissonance
the use of the word mask. Truly, they wear a mask.
Feeling like you’re in a dance…
This was one of my first real “red flags” in terms of realizing T was a true Narc. However, I will post text conversations which made it undeniable. When a Narc exposes themselves you get a punch in the face that makes it almost impossible to deny the person you were with has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I still sometimes try to deny it, but you’ll see future posts as to why I cannot. If you find similarities, you too will know there is no denying you were/are dealing with a Narc.

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Opening My Mind to Different Sides

9 thoughts on “When you aren’t sure if your ex was a Narcissist..”

  1. I like your poetry. If I recall you’re a male and your narcissist a female. Forgetting this at first (the opposite being true in my case), I was confused by your references to the “silent treatment.” But that is what women, in general, do when they’re too hurt to explain themselves. So it made more sense once I remembered. I’m not at all dismissing the behavior as a manipulative technique of a female narcissist, just making an observation.

    In my case the narcissistic behavior was so bizarre and sporadic I searched on those symptoms, having no idea what t was. That led me right to ND sites where I saw lists of narcissist behaviors. He matched almost all of them. In fact, so much so that I narrowed mine down to a “sociopathic narcissist.” Those were the clinchers for me, but I’m sure you’ve seen them too.

    It’s ‘funny’ … the first time I identified him as a narcissist I printed the list of behaviors and left it for him to read. His immediate (however temporary) ‘adjustment’ to correct himself in being so obvious was glaringly obvious. They are keen at doing whatever it takes to keep you on their hook.

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    1. haha we are actually both women! adds a twist i know. By silent treatment I meant after the discard she changed her number/refused to contact me about anything – including our apartment/lease/moving/dogs etc.

      I have also done similar things to try to get my Narc to realize she’s a Narc… my Narc admits to having issues and never denies being a Narc just refuses to admit it. Strange thing

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      1. That is a twist I least expected, lol. So she’s punishing you by rejection, hmmm, perhaps something she knows hurts/yanks your chain the most? Oh mine never admitted it either, but he did distinctly react to me recognizing it, which spoke very clearly to his manipulation.

        The label narcissist is highly critical of who they are as a person and they can’t stand criticism (thus the name “narcissism”/ripples in their reflection and all that). That would mean their game is up. No way they’re going to admit it. So subtly adjusting their behavior once they’re exposed, they think, disguises it. In my case, the behavior was much like what you’d see in a small toddler, it is so obvious.

        I don’t know about yours but mine demonstrated obvious ploys, e.g., clearly faking real tears, suddenly suffering a bout of bad health, rampages when you have No idea what in the world set them off, yada yada. Everyone has issues. There’s a huge difference between that and being narcissistic.


  2. Yes, there can be a lot of doubt in us… the targets of narcissists. It took me quite a long time to finally be completely sure that the ex was a narcissist. I think from starting to suspect it, it took about 2 years more to be “completely sure”… I still, at times, can get feelings of it all being surrealistic and asking myself if I just dreamed it all, if I made up the narcissism in him… but nope, I know in my soul that’s what it was/is. I saw proof of the coldness, lack of empathy, lack of conscience, extreme need for admiration, arrogance, infidelity, and so much more. Over and over again.

    I am glad that you are strong in your truth about this. And I wish you healing and strength going forward! Let us pity them (from afar), the ones who have no concept of real love.. hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Maybe not want you want to hear….and maybe only because its been on mind a lot lately…..As hard as it is, I have had to look deep within myself for the answers about why I might have fallen for someone so broken or who is so hurtful in the first place (for me this behavior is NEVER present the first few months or so…). After I had a VERY difficult life with an abusive person, I found that I was drawn to someone who engaged in exactly the same sorts of behaviors following the breakup. What the heck??? I remember how a friend of mine called me up at 2:00 a.m. when I was in college, voice full of tears asking me why she had “radar” for the same kind of guy who would always wind up treating her the same way. I had no answer at the time. But now? Psychologists say, “What you resist persists” meaning there is a hook from some earlier life encounter that keeps hooking you in….even if you don’t know the person at all…like my friend’s “radar.” I can’t change them, but I can change the thing in me that seems to have me falling for them. Believe in yourself. Me, I am hell-bent on uncurling the velcro in me that pulls me in.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello! I am in this fog, myself, right now. Thank for your post! I’d like to read the next one after this one, here, so I can validate my feelings on why I know him to be a Narcissist, despite the Cognitive Dissonance. Which is the very next post on this subject? Thank you so much ❤ Tamara

    Liked by 1 person

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