Who Am I ? PART I

I decided to revamp this blog post, because my original post was not through the eyes of someone who truly knows who they are. because i believe most people do not. I only realized I did not know myself after I started swallowing the projections of others. Of coarse, we all swallow projections here and there. If they are way out of line, we simply toss them aside as false. an eye roll, ok bitch yep thats me.

However, until you swallow every projection thrown at you – no matter how ridiculous and untrue it is.. you will never be desperate enough to face who you are in order to figure out who you are – cause you are bad and selfish and take advantage of people, you lie and use people and lead them on and the list goes on with how bad you are. You are lazy, not ambitious, not thoughtful, irresponsible, you don’t help people, an underachiever … you are all these things and that is the truth.

The weight of these projections will begin to eat at your soul, your very being. You are so terrible – but you don’t think you are. You can’t be? You just did this for someone, you did that for someone, you were just standing up for what you thought, you thought it was fair to ask, you didn’t know you were asking too much, you needed help, it was the best intention … you do care… right? then why are they calling you this? why are they telling you they are not and you are only bad? they did these things too! why can’t they see?! How can they think that is what you are and think they are good! they are “good”er and you are just bad! If you don’t do the good they say you should then you are bad. If you don’t do the good you will have face another truth about how bad you are.

this translates into you not being able to say no. this means if someone wants you to do something you do it. if someone says you are not doing something you do what they ask that you should be doing. people’s thoughts become your thoughts about yourself. This is when you are so vulnerable you can be manipulated by the slightest of things (even if you are aware it is absurd)

for example – say you worked all week and came home every night and were painting a room in your house cause it was so outdated and uncomfortable for you to relax in..  then babysat for your cousin for a few hours for her to run some errands then you cleaned your neighbor’s floors because earlier in the week they were saying how dirty they were because they simply can’t do it physically because they are elderly and even though they have kids none of the kids come to clean the floors, even though your neighbor is always helping them financially and never says anything bad about them … and even though your neighbor does so much more for them and bitched about your slip and slide being trashy and you wasting water… even though their kid has, say…a naked party slip and slide that uses the blood of poached endangered species to make it slippery.. the truth is your neighbor watches your dogs for you when you ask and always invites you are for nice meals and cares about how you’re doing and says how proud they are that their neighbor is the winner of the town’s pie baking contest.
If one of their kids were to say to you , after you told them about your week “well You don’t help me, one one helps me” you literally have no way of fending off a projection. You are so worn down and can’t see how they can say this when no one is there helping you paint your room and you even babysat and cleaned for a neighbor. but you did relax on sunday.. they did do you a favor last time they were visiting your elderly neighbor and plowed your driveway… its selfish of you to not repay them back as soon as possible. its selfish of you to relax..even though you cleaned their parents floor..and they didn’t..

guess what? You eat their projection. The truth is you didn’t help them. It could be a lie no one helps them, or it could be true but you just helped someone that if they helped you could have helped them. Then they wouldn’t have said the projection to begin with.. but they didn’t and they don’t help their elderly parent clean the floor and there are 2 of them and your neighbor is all alone and so genuinely kind that you cannot stand the thought of them having to deal with a dirty floor for months.. so you continue to help your neighbor and eat the projections every time. physically you are exhausted. mentally, spiritually.. who you are is exhausted.

They are married and get help their spouse. You are alone and no one helped you paint. However – you realize no one is obligated to help you..because you don’t believe you “deserve” or are “entitled” to anything because people tell you how easy you have it and how hard they have it so you feel bad about if you were to mention it .. because once it happens so much no one has to tell you their thoughts for you to question if they should be yours.. they become yours.

You are forced to internalize and evaluate every projection in every situation. Some are completely false, but the amount which are accurate what does it matter? you are so bad you are probably not perceiving that you are these other bad things too. worse things. You are all of these things. You are so bad. why are you so bad? where did you learn to be bad? or someone must have been bad to you for you to be bad to other people? No! stop these irrational thoughts… they are not yours. How many peoples projections are you consuming? you are filled and cannot take one more. You will burst in flames. The panic sets in. you attempt to think logically. If i am all of these things, the majority I agree with and I do not think I am bad than these things are not terrible, horrible things they must be human nature. AHA! you sigh in relief. you’re not bad. WE ARE ALL BAD! wow, this is amazing… this is the issue and the block to growth and to communicating … you begin chasing for someone to say they are bad so that you can rid yourself of the burden of these projections. In the back of your head and in your being you feel the heat, the smoke.. knowing that until someone relieves it,  one more projection could be the end all and you will burn in hell. However – its so obvious and so ok, its a relief to know you’re not bad that other people will want this relief to open doors to such potential.. its worth risking it all given the probability of them admitting they are bad once you explain. So you do explain, excitedly. They refuse to give it a chance. refuse science, refuse logic. You beg. you become agitated, hyper. OK I KNOW WATCH ILL SHOW THEM HOW EASY IT IS! You admit how selfish and wrong you are. they validate it. you apologize, sincere. NOW YOUR TURN! you say.. impatient for the release. They say sorry for anything i did. you say NO SPECIFICS. LIKE I DID SAME FORMAT. SPECIFIC EVENT YOU WERE SELFISH OR WRONG. HOW THAT MADE ME FEEL. YOU ARE SORRY. hell even say you weren’t sorry.. or that you will probably do it again but just acknowledge it and how that must have made me feel. say you made me feel that way. say you were bad. They don’t – so you give another example. They still do not. so you chase the next person the next and each time you become more “insane” with the need to release it, but each time you learn not only are you eating their projection – you are validating it – telling them you are bad – they are confirming it .. sometimes you even give multiple examples! ones they didn’t even say to you before!

an explosion occurs, flames burst. you projectile – project the projection back. You go off projecting wildly at whoever says the last projection to you or invalidates you – saying the craziest shit (to them). To you it makes perfect sense – exaggerated examples and thoughts  writing  but that is how you feel inside. It’s over. They think you’re nuts. However, at least it was enough of a cool down to where you do burn to the ground. They get upset you say these things about them onto of you being crazy. but, can’t they see how unfair it is to make you validate such things after the abuse you suffered? they won’t even take some of the projections you’ve been eating for months? if they won’t be courageous enough to say they are bad can’t they at least do that?! they not see you are desperate? no. they see you are crazy. you need sleep. you need to do this to do that.

NO I NEED YOU TO JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO ME. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT I NEED, ITS THAT SIMPLE ARE YOU DEAF? I AM AN ADULT. I HAVE 7 YEARS OF UNDERGRADUATE EDUCATION. A DUEL MAJOR IN BIOLOGY AND ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH. A MINOR IN PHILOSOPHY AND PSYCHOLOGY.I AM A VETERAN OF THE UNITED STATES ARMY NATIONAL GUARD WITH THE RANK SERGEANT. I HAVE AN AMAZING JOB. I HAVE NO REAL PROBLEMS BECAUSE THIS YEAR AND I DID NOT CAUSE IT TO MYSELF. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ?? HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME THIS WAY? OH I CONVENIENTLY NOW I AM IRRESPONSIBLE AND DON’T LIVE ON MY OWN AND NEED HELP AND CRAZY. FUCK YOU. IF I AM HUNGRY I DONT TELL YOU I NEED WATER! I TELL YOU I NEED A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER FUCKFACE!  I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO THINK YOUR THOUGHTS NOW YOU TRY TO THINK MINE. IT MUST BE NICE TO THINK SOLELY YOUR OWN…SELFISH OF YOU TO NOT EVEN TRY TO THINK MINE. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME WHEN I SUFFERED SO MUCH, YOU LET ME VALIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS .. AND YOU NOT ONLY DO NOT HELP ME, DO NOT GIVE ME RELIEF YOU CONTRIBUTE TO MY HELL AND SEND ME DEEPER. This repeats –

The “abuse” continues… because when you project and say rude ass, untrue shit to an abuse victim you fuck their world up because they cannot toss projections. Everyone goes to the core of their being. a stab in the heart, in the back…and you attack them to preserve what “you” that you have left. the only alternative would be that you are evil and if thats the case, only in death will you stop the bad, the hurt you cause to others for no rhyme or reason. eventually you suffer the hell alone and isolate – but you keep searching for the light…hoping you find it before its too late.

i was left with 4 dogs i refused to give up. I had to move out or give up 2. I refused to give them up because i would not abandon – i would not do that. Anyway, they would say I was bad for doing it if i did. I would be bad either way – you see. because someone is always going to have an opinion. a situation can be perceived however anyone wants to. All we need to do is listen to other people. There are ways to tell if someones perception is flawed or if you’re refusing to try to think their thoughts. Consider the background, their credibility. Maybe i am irresponsible. We all are. I will tell you i am – but i am also responsible. There is not one thing that I am not and i am. However, I know when someone tells me i am something when they do not consider my situation .. or they are the same thing but worse with something else… and they are not even willing to consider this – i know that person does not know themselves.

So i say thank you for your projection as it helps me reflect upon myself, I love and care about you enough to consider it and I will agree with it to an extent that I am it (unless its completely false – gas lighting) but ultimately I know who I am .. and no offense but how can someone who doesn’t even know how to know themselves try to know me? K, when you know yourself then i will truly consider that this is one character I may not know about myself and reevaluate it. until then, i am 100% confident of who I am.

So, instead of telling you who I am. I think I will tell you who others say I am for this post. The first one, from my narc was the first true apology I have ever received from her. It made me cry, i could not believe after all these years I finally got it. This is who I am. This is what she did – 100% honest – this moment. All i ever wanted.

JUST KIDDING BUT I STILL LIKE READING IT. IT MAKES ME SOFTEN, FOR A MOMENT. WANTING TO BELIEVE IT. SO THE TRUTH?

  1. i am not that person anymore. It was me, 100% of who i thought i was and she saw me in the same way. I am still some of it, but not the majority of it.
  2. THIS ISN’T A FUCKING GRAND LOVE REALIZED MY MISTAKES ERROR OF MY WAYS STORY – she is a narcissist. SHE LOVES EVERYONE. THIS IS HER STORY WITH EVERYONE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. minor differences but i am sure she copy/pastes lol.
  3. She says this shit to make the story so she feels she has it, she says this shit because she wants you to take her back and knows what sounds great.
  4. She doesn’t say this because she feels this way. the only thinks she should feel this way because that is how a normal person would feel. if she does deceive herself into “Feeling” it she isn’t. she’s thinking it. because when you feel something, you don’t just say shit and take it back. you don’t change the story and you don’t rewrite it.
  5. IT IS A LIE – IT WAS HER TRUTH FOR A SPLIT SECOND, CAUSE SHE WANTED ME TO TAKE HER BACK…SHE MAY HAVE PRETENDED TO FEEL THAT WAY BUT AS SOON AS I SAID THANK YOU, ITS ALL I EVER WANTED BUT I CAN’T DO THIS .SHE AINT SORRY ANYMORE HA!
  6. She was probably just triangulating me. i am not sure if that occurred at this time or after i refused to take her back.
  7. THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER for a narc! . HG EVEN WROTE ABOUT IT, because we all have these same conversations with them. they all say the same shit. HG is just honest. THEY DRINK THE WATER AND PISS IT AND KILL THEIR GRASS INSTEAD.
  8. I have received apology and fucked up words after apology after fucked up words and have finally understood what I am sorry means to her either – I AM SORRY THAT I AM NOT SORRY or DISCLAIMER, I AM GOING TO DO THIS AGAIN – OOPSIE.
  9. getover

    grassgreener

    A LINE FROM HG TUDOR’s CONVERSATION WITH HIS THERAPIST

There is part of her that I saw that has been the best person in this world that i’ve met so far. No one has loved me more.  Cared for me more, made me feel safe and comfort and happy and forever…she was all i needed and she was my world. her and I. and our dogs. our family. I swear. I swear I wish with all my heart that she would become the person I knew. That I believed in, that I saw there .. stared in the eyes of.. loved more than anything in this world..

but I know that it may have never been a real person. I just hope for her sake, it was. For that person, I wish the best. peace and love comfort and protection. I swear she was a good person. I can never hate that person. May be she rest in peace or rise from the dead.

11 thoughts on “Who Am I ? PART I

  1. survivednarc

    Nice to get to know a bit more about you. 🙂
    I am glad you are writing to process things and heal. I am still not healed, or, at least not fully. But I must say blogging has helped me a lot! And I hope it will for you, too. Take care / SurvivedNarc

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      1. survivingsara

        Yes please do and you’re welcome to pick up my book called “Surviving Sara: Marrying a Narcissistic Sociopath”. Yeah-she was/is one of a kind to say the least

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      2. survivingsara

        If she does, she’s been amazingly quiet about it. I truly don’t know. The book has been released since January, and I find it hard to believe that she does not know about it, but then again I really don’t know. In my book, and on my blog, every name has been changed for legal purposes. Her real name is not Sara, mine is not Brian… Get the idea? So if she does know about it there’s really no way to link it back to me in a legal standpoint. But I’m sure being a narcissistic sociopath, she will find a way to destroy me if/when she does find out.

        If you read the book you will find that I was suicidal while being with her. The boyfriend after me was suicidal as well, and her current boyfriend is on his way to becoming suicidal. I wrote that book to help people. I did not write it entirely to destroy her image, although I think she’s doing that all on her own

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  2. Pingback: Who Am I ? PART I – Fixated To Free

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