I know love now, and I cut my losses quickly. 

Being an empathetic person (but also logical..) I idolized that perfect love .. Love is patient .. Ok we all know the words that follow. I didn’t want passion, or crazy or drama. I just wanted beautiful, untainted true love. When I was about 20 I realized even though I would say my ability to love that way was greater than a lot of people I was no where near capable of giving this love. I didn’t want to love like that.its not human to love like that. I would be a hypocrite to ask for it. I openly admit my love was and is not perfect but it is real. True.

Relationships are a give and take – compromise. What are you willing to give up… At what cost is too great?

Here  is the reality check because I do not even know how to write or communicate this any other way. Something that may appear like a huge sacrifice to someone .. May not be to them – even if they say it is because most people think something like that is.  ill give an example later.


Look at the last line of the letter I wrote when we got engaged. We got engaged because at this  point I couldn’t handle the emotional cheating and abusive behavior when I would confront… I was either going to have to break up Or compromise. I know this seems absurd, but this was basically me saying I know you are not capable at the point. I know I have sacrificed way too much for you and what scraps you give me. yet I’m willing to risk it over again, in fact ill give you it all this time so you know. here is the last damn bit. i am willing to be nothing. i want you to value me more than i want to exist – ill devalue myself to 0. (crazy right) for you to value me.

woah.
VALUE ME NOW. This is all I wanted and i put everything on the table. I sacrificed for it already – this was my last compromise. I will was Willing to give her my faith – despite knowing in my Brain she will fail me because I “loved” and knew in my heart she would not.
ok- this sacrafice is coming from an estj personality type people! biggest fucking sacrafice. all of my self-worth.. to feel valued one time. to feel truly loved by you even one time is worth more to me.

What is this saying ? I was willing to risk all of my love for what I knew logically wasn’t going to happen 100%… Aka I was basically saying I know i am going to give you everything and take nothing …  i know your not going to value me and that i am going to value myself 0 when this ends. that i will be nothing.

simply for the chance that you will value me one time. wow. sick. “the one giving up everything goes beyond sacrafice (one giving low self-worth .. other is simply taking advantage, selfishly of another person.

let me tell you. after writing this, i feel like a dumbass. I knew all along, yes i knew – be honest with yourself me. you cant know and be suprised at the same time. wtf. this isnt compromising dumbass. you basically sacraficed that last little bit of you that you had left that you could have kept for nothing, knowingly. yeah i dont even know how to evaluate that because its completely illogical to want nothing over a tiny bit. all or nothing… i wasnt walking away with any cut losses even though probability was 0. I just wanted to confirm it was 0 by losing duh- that was more important. to know if she loved me, at all.

clearly the answer is no.


I don’t go all crazy and throw it all in now. Quite the opposite. I cut my losses early

3 thoughts on “I know love now, and I cut my losses quickly. 

  1. averyandmeblog

    You weren’t a dumbass. At all. That is how narcissists work. They will build you up and knock you so far down and make you reliant upon them for basically survival. My narc made me promise endlessly (verbally and through actions), basically prove myself, that I would never leave. He needed to make sure he had me there for good. Are you on Instagram? There is an account I follow called “narcissist.sociopath_awareness” and they posted a simple photo that spoke volumes. All it said was “he wanted her to be all in while he kept one foot out.” I think the same can be said in your situation. These narcs are masterminds. We are the unlucky targets and by the time we can sense something isn’t right, it’s too late. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. No one deserves to be reduced down to nothing. You got out and you are so much better than she will ever be.

    Like

  2. Eclectra

    You are definitely not a dumbass. Do not allow yourself to think that way. You are a SURVIVOR. Those who have lived through abuse know that getting out is true victory! Good for you.

    Like

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