Behind The Mask

Dear T,

I don’t want to let go of the person I knew for 6 years, but I’ve been unsuccessful in finding her and things aren’t changing. I will finally accept that we can’t change this relationship with all therapy-speak that ever was and no matter how much I hoped we could. Even if it can’t help me change this delusion, there may be a lesson here about what I need to make love work, and if there is, I will learn it.

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When T first discarded me .. Mm.. It was after we had been together only a year and a half. I’m not going to get into those details just know it was fucked up in many ways. Fucked up to innocent, trusting people, fucked up and betrayal to me and self destructive. Never imagined. Much different then final discard. it fucked me up but to be honest I was young and I was no angel and I did not love her the way I know how to love now.

she was my first girlfriend. I was even half excited that I would get to experience my new found “out of the closest” lifestyle. The strangest thing. I started painting as a hobby- I painted a butterfly first modeling a how to book. Then I decided to do my own design. looking back now – it’s crazy what I randomly thought I decided on.


The more I dated the more disappointed I got. The more i realized this feeling I have for her I do not get with anyone else. I wonder if I ever could? T called me a few times but I didn’t cave until 4 months later when she got me on my birthday and I was alone and sad and missed her and being able to feel.

she drove the 4 hours and never left. I was happy knowing I got a second chance to be with someone I had such strong feelings for. This time I could show T I truly loved her and not take her for granted.

Fast forward 4.5 years later and lets go right to the discard which fucked me up, and is still fucking me up. imageThere are times where I scream she is a monster because I am so angry and hurt and unwilling to do really distance myself to be able to accept that it is anything else besides her – and i think its a narc victims right to do so. However, T will always be my baby and so i work hard to understand for her – even though she’s called “The Devil” in my phone. xD 

Better off for trying