So, I’ve been trying to do things to help me heal, but something always puts me in a bad spot and I physically and mentally am exhausted. So I just stop, ghost. recollect and feel ready to begin again. I just want stability. I want to find a way to deal with this newfound awareness. I can’t figure out how to keep the good part of it without the bad. I know it’s what I am most thankful for out of this whole experience but sometimes it’s hell. I almost wish for the ignorance back.

I keep going back to yoga. I like the way it makes me feel after. I know it’s completely powerful and healing and transformative and I want in. When I moved from my sisters to my parents, after I got settled I found a yoga instructor to begin private lessons again. Somehow I feel like it’s fate- for 2 reasons.

First – the yoga instructor texts me haha. she reminds me I have my lesson and to make the payment and go. She reschedules if I am too exhausted. It may be childish but I am so consumed by work and trying to deal with what I am internally I can’t do it without this type of accountability. I am so grateful for her.

Second – I just made a post saying I feel like I don’t know what I am doing. This morning at my yoga lesson when I was talking to her she told me she thinks this 40 day commitment (because I cannot commit to anything) would help me. At the point I am up to try anything ! It’s too coincidental for me to not do it. I feel like it would be bad luck if I didn’t. Like the answer was given to me on a red platter.

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Opening My Mind to Different Sides

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