I love myself  ? :) 

Seriously. Why I am I trying to date anyone. my home life is hell, my work work is hell.

I overslept. I overslept because I worked weird hours up until midnight wed and had to be at work super early Thursday. Before my scheduled work hours. Expected after my scheduled work hours. more shit put on me that’s not mine. Impossible deadlines .. And a fake pip. Not that I’d sleep anyway because I’m living at my parents with 25 dogs. I may sleep an hours  

Once a week yoga isn’t enough, goal setting isn’t, a book on singletasking isn’t.. Because it’s fucking impossible in time. Literally impossible 

Today within hours I escalated it to a complete life coaching online groupon, to normal daytime work wellness help to the 24/7 help hotline .. Open on my desk after I emailed my boss and ccd another manager and hr.. Went out to grab pizza for the guys .. Had my panic attack in front of them .. 
Went in, read my email responded and calmed down. Shut the cover of the benefits book. Laughed at how the one girl said I’m too negative. fuck all these people. I don’t want her in my life anyway – shit imagine if times got rough .. I don’t need to be with anyone who can’t handle negative. Who if I tell them about my stress they think it’s negative ? So if you ask me how my day is ? How I am? you want me to lie to you ? You want me to ignore you ? Wtf do you want? I don’t want anything from anyone else but support .. Help .. Care .. Compassion and to tell me it’ll be ok. Fuck do I harass people for my own selfishness and tell them don’t talk to me about ur shit I have enough of my own? GTFO. stay away from me. 

I’m calm. I feel like I had a Xanax but i didn’t. Somehow my mind is shutting it down without me asking. It must know my body isn’t getting enough oxygen. It must have realized I couldn’t inhale or exhale. My chest was like concrete around my lungs.the pressure is releasing.. it’s letting me breath, it’s letting me live. When everyone is trying to kill me .. You won’t let me do it to myself. 

You love me ? This is love isn’t it? 

I’m smiling and content .. I finally realiZe I must be starting to love myself ❤

3 thoughts on “I love myself  ? :) 

  1. nombre de la pluma

    I hope you’re more encouraged. Denial is the new normal because normal is often negative and no one wants to commiserate, except here on WordPress. Here you get our hugs and your virtual choice, either a hot or cold beverage to help you relax and let you steal a minute to yourself. We get it. Come here any time and we’ll celebrate you being real and also because you’ve joined us. Sometimes our little corner of the WordPress community has more love to give than the “real” world. Breathe. We don’t expect perfection, we support through the difficult times and cheer when anyone wins.

    Like

    1. fixatedtofree

      oh I know 🙂 I was thinking of you all as I was writing it. what would I have done without this community ? Never once have I been made to feel invalid.

      who are we ? We’re just normal ? I never understood if we were just aware.. Or maybe we are we’re all sensitive
      (empathetic .. )

      I am so thankful the online world has always been a friend to me. My best friend id say. It’s no wonder I got lost on it for years playing games lol

      Like

      1. nombre de la pluma

        hahahaha, I love video games but mostly I love to write. Mrs M hates the computer for some reason. 😉 But no, you’re awesome and I’ll be fine. I was off WordPress for 5 days and felt like I was in withdrawal. And no one in the real world knew anything about it, least of all how I felt about it. It lets me breathe, it lets me vent the pressure, it lets me be Deon. And I’ve made great friends here I’d have never had, and I treasure the community as my support system.

        Like

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