Behind The Journey

Rewind. Wednesday, November 25th 2015. I was at work when i received the dreaded text (one they like to throw out). You know how narcs love to destroy holidays and pull their shit on them.

“we need to talk”. About what? just that morning I had asked her if we could go to a store on black friday.. we had the past couple years and It was always fun. I looked forward to it. She said yes.

“I am going to DC to be with my family on thanksgiving”.

huh? you just told my family the day before that you were cooking the turkey. You told them what to cook. This is how it has been for years. You promised my sister she would not have a dry Turkey on thanksgiving..

“I am leaving you. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be with you anymore”.

huh? where is this coming from? what is going on? I am coming home, I’m leaving work. I love you, please stay.

“I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore”.

I took her hands and told her its ok, People fall in and out of love over the years, I have fallen out of love with you before. It’s ok, we can fall in love again. We just need to refocus on us. Find something we both love and do it together. Focus on loving each other. It will come back. This is normal. Please stay

“no. I need to go. I will be back in a few days”

you promised my sister she wouldn’t have a dry turkey on thanksgiving…

“do you want me to cook it before i go?”

I wanted her to stay as long as I could keep her. I was terrified of the moment she walked out of the door. Yes. I love you T, please stay. Is there someone else?

“No. I just am going to have thanksgiving with my family. I will be back and we can sort it out. I won’t leave you with the lease. I can move upstairs.”

As I sat in the kitchen, in shock…confusion.. heart ache .. i knew it would be worse the moment she left. I watched her prep the Turkey, she was emotionless, stiff. She didn’t want to be here. Go. I will cook the turkey.

It was burnt at shit, because i lost track of time .. starring at the wall as it sat in the oven. I think I turned the oven off. My mom came over the next day, i couldn’t bare telling them right away. It was unreal. embarrassing..empty. painful. a nightmare and utter confusion.

The week that followed and she returned, i did my best to win her back. it was my fault, she told me. she told everyone apparently. she had me so tricked i even sent her flowers to work, validating her slander and gas lighting. She told me “by the way i made a Facebook”. (because we shared one due to her cheating so frequently and using it as a tool). ok i said. A couple days after her telling me, i opened my computer and saw her Facebook. public view. Not only had she not gone to have thanksgiving with her family.. as a picture of her and her friends was square in my face…  our 6 year relationship and 2 year engagement was a joke. My last name, plastered on her Facebook. It is the one image you will not see me black out names. I do not think its appropriate to display names and call people out, however I am returning the same curtesy. It is disgusting. It is disgusting the person I loved for 6 years went behind my back and thought this was amusing enough to like the comment, the joke.  I could not believe this, the cruelty.. where it came from? the uncaring nature. 6 years, and you treat me like a joke? After i am here, paying the rent and trying to win you back while you slander me and freeload and cheat and laugh it up? yeah, i could see why you thought the joke was on me. However, when i realized it was .. the joke was off. Bitch, you will never be an Ivens. You cannot be because we are faithful and we love deep.  Joke is on you.

When I saw this, I kicked her out and hence she left for DC. After she left, I  decided to look up her phone records (i had access because once again, she could not stop cheating). I hadn’t touched them prior to that, because she told me if I didn’t trust her, I would destroy our relationship. She used that month to go behind my back and cheat on me and make all her plans. Since she didn’t want to quit her job and I was paying the rent, she was simply going to freeload and have her cake and eat it too. No, no you don’t. You don’t leave me to starve. She left me with the lease, our dogs and dealing with the after math and ran off carefree – changed her number told me she doesn’t owe me anything. Called me a stalker because I kept trying to contact her to break the lease with the landlord..not to talk to her. treated me like i was nothing. In fact, like the others told me leave the girls alone. I did, because by then I realized it was not them it was her. Plus, they had nothing on me. There is nothing about these females that is better than me. The first time or two i thought, what is it they have that I don’t? Nothing. They just give her attention and treat her like she’s something more than she is. I did that as well – however i was worth so much more to be putting her on a pedestal. I just believed in her. Of course, each failure brought a new girl that was better than the last. i think the last one had like 16.5 million dollars. lol. Anyway. This was only the beginning of the hell. The realization. 3 weeks later i got a phone call i wish i never took. I wish i never did because I would have never been subjected to further abuse. To realize the person i loved was not who i thought. I didn’t know her, not an ounce. That is the scariest thing of all. To the fact that disordered people are out there – among us…and you don’t know. I know now, of course. but many of you don’t. That scares me.

 

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Recently, I have hit a roadblock and seemed to be healing well but just not letting go. After the last no contact and some failures in finding someone else… I couldn’t stand the thought of being here on Thanksgiving. Prompted by a last straw, I booked a ticket to Europe 2-3 weeks ago. No hotel, no plans. I have friends there i met online, hoped they would let me stay. I didn’t care about that – i would somehow manage. I just booked it and smiled, relieved I wouldn’t be here.. and excited that I was actually doing it.

oh and also.. oooOooo runaway to “DC”… ha! yeah, Europe 😉

because I am greater than you. it was you who held me back. Now i am free, you will get to watch me climb to heights your chains bound me from reaching. Chains i never saw as chains because I loved you enough to think of them as a lifeline. I would pull your weight, willingly up the mountain. Now that you cut the chains, I am almost weightless.. and the imprints left from cutting my circulation are nearly to the surface. Can you still see me from down there? I am climbing so fast.. i can almost see the top.

 

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