always have that thought every time I get on a plane … 

Before I had someone who I loved/loved me. It was always her with me or her I’d call and text before/after. and I would be ok then.. knowing I had that… 

but to go down alone ? 

who would I have anything to say to? Who would I want to receive a message if that happened ?  
I couldn’t think of anyone but you. 

I’d tell your how much I loved you. how much I still do. 

I’d tell you how much I cannot stand the thought of your face. Your mouth.spills lies and fake smiles. Your eyes. They creep me out. Chills up my spine and I go cross eyed. So blank and void of human soul. 

how much I wish things were different – that you didn’t become this. how sad I feel for you, when you were in a stage of your life you could be proud of.. sad for us.

How much I pity you. To never know love. to be that desperate you take anyone. 

how the thought of who you are revolts me and I snarl in disgust at the thought of you. Poor excuse of a human being. how I don’t want you to hurt. 
But why bother ? because I don’t love you. I don’t know what love is. I just know whatever I feel can’t be love because you can’t love someone who does what you did to me. Says what you say. I don’t know what you call this. I miss my fun best friend and the person I did everything with and was most compatible with. The one who took care of me and was always there. Silly sarcastic pain in my ass with the best hugs. 
you know her ? Yes that’s right. The same one that fucked me over so many times. The cruel and heartless one who tricked and manipulated me.. used me in despicable ways. I don’t know, don’t ask me. Don’t ask her either lol, cause she don’t speak a word of truth. Repetitive robot. Dunno what she thinks at all- if if she tries to say it. so what’s the point. ? Whakpwhampwhamp. 
and whatever I am feeling in one moment, when I go to write – stirring my brain into awareness in order to develop thoughts to write about those feelings … it says wtf is the point ? none of it was real… you’re right .. these feelings aren’t real. I don’t know which are and what is. 
And what’s the point of focusing on this ? Or you ? Or how I feel about it? because I will never fucking know. not only that but I can’t even go back to pretending I don’t know .. because you fucked me that bad. Damn. I’d probably be bitter if it wasn’t for the fact I know you fucked yourself worse.. you lost the best thing you will ever get. You lost someone who loved you and was genuine with you. Loyal and cared more about you than anything in the world. deeply. you lost forever. that must kill you, to know you were the cause of ur own end. For me it’s the beginning . Because I deserve better. I can get better. We both know that. Unlike you I won’t be settling this time. unlike you I will find true love, forever love. but you need to not only be capable of love but to know what it is. 
this letter.. i just realized is not to you… it’s to me .. to let go because there is nothing, it’s the end. You are a shell, not me. You are empty, not me. 
I am filling back up and It’s a new beginning for me .. something better and I am curious. excited to learn what love is.. 4 more hours to go.. over an ocean… and I’ll let it go down. I just wanted to write this message to myself .. Cause I want me to know .. even though the old me is dead there is no reason to die with it. the old me writes you this as she goes down to her end- it’s ok To let her go, leave her behind. she wants you to because she wants the best for you. 
I just ask that honor and love me enough to respect what was good about me and to embrace how special everything about life is. go on adventures, learn, grow, succeed. Be brave. And even though you’re not naive anymore.. (and it’s ok to be cautious and take things slow) .. don’t be afraid to love. Then I won’t be sad that i am not the same person anymore. I won’t be angry or dwell (for long 😜). I’ll be a different, richer me. it’s ok to mourn.. but don’t waste too much time .. a world awaits you. 

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