Preparing for The Journey

I haven’t had much sleep between work and my masters and packing. Plans are mostly set 🙂


So, i will be leaving straight from work Friday and will arrive 7:30am on Saturday. Staying with Chris. Meeting Scott (Pizzo) on Monday. Some point on Thursday I will make my way to Amsterdam and Stay with Sunny 🙂 I adore my European friends. They are some of the most genuine, caring and friendly people I have ever met. I feel like they get me and I get them on a connection that I i don’t get with most people in the states. It could be that we are gamers though – luckily not the same horrible gamer generation that exists today. It was much more innocent and fun. Sure we had flame wars and typical gamer hormones but it was not to seriously hurt people. The sexist shit and slutty females were no where near as many. Guys generally respected the female gamers more because there were so few of us. In fact, the dudes that pretended to be girls were much more promiscuous haha.

I’ve known them for 10 years – probably spent anywhere from 2-4 years almost everyday with them actually in this virtual world. You get pretty close. You go to war together, you grind for hours together .. so there is nothing but time to chat. You needed each other to plan and not get your ass kicked.

So, brief intro

Sunny – was a cleric “healer”. Basically they are a support role and keep other players alive and provide “buffs” which make the characters stronger, faster, ect. They die easy, don’t get to kill other players but you don’t stand a chance without one. Sunny was the sweetest cleric in game. Always buffing and nothing mean to say. Everyone knew and adored Sunny.. cause she’s awesome 🙂

Pizzo – was a scout and came to be one of my really good friends. A troll for sure haha but gotta give his infamous name some respect. Hated by many.. and hated by many in game. Was always funny to watch the shit he started. Now he’s off being a magician.

Chris – a knight. He was a really nice boy and super cute back in the day. I had the biggest crush on him.  Just recently I found out the fucker is much younger than I thought. I was like 17-18 and he told me he was 16 at the time.. little shit was 14. I had sent him a photo a 14 year old should not be receiving lol. I honestly value and appreciate him beyond words, for being there for me in my darkest times. For listening to my rants and making me sane or cheering me up.. half the time i don’t think he knew wtf i was talking about.. but he never judged me. Probably because he’s odd and doesn’t know what i was talking about was off the wall to most people here.  Always there when I needed someone to listen…I don’t know what I would have done without him, I really don’t. ❤  My British Lover..

Last night i was putting outfits together at my sisters – taking pictures so I remembered what went with what and can pack efficiently. The less i have to the better.

When i woke up, My lovely guide on the first stop was giving me a free pre tour.. seriously the best tour of europe i have had so far and i was there for a month many years ago xD

I will be video documenting all of us meeting and the awesome times.. plus some funny shit planned 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

Behind The Journey

Rewind. Wednesday, November 25th 2015. I was at work when i received the dreaded text (one they like to throw out). You know how narcs love to destroy holidays and pull their shit on them.

“we need to talk”. About what? just that morning I had asked her if we could go to a store on black friday.. we had the past couple years and It was always fun. I looked forward to it. She said yes.

“I am going to DC to be with my family on thanksgiving”.

huh? you just told my family the day before that you were cooking the turkey. You told them what to cook. This is how it has been for years. You promised my sister she would not have a dry Turkey on thanksgiving..

“I am leaving you. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be with you anymore”.

huh? where is this coming from? what is going on? I am coming home, I’m leaving work. I love you, please stay.

“I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore”.

I took her hands and told her its ok, People fall in and out of love over the years, I have fallen out of love with you before. It’s ok, we can fall in love again. We just need to refocus on us. Find something we both love and do it together. Focus on loving each other. It will come back. This is normal. Please stay

“no. I need to go. I will be back in a few days”

you promised my sister she wouldn’t have a dry turkey on thanksgiving…

“do you want me to cook it before i go?”

I wanted her to stay as long as I could keep her. I was terrified of the moment she walked out of the door. Yes. I love you T, please stay. Is there someone else?

“No. I just am going to have thanksgiving with my family. I will be back and we can sort it out. I won’t leave you with the lease. I can move upstairs.”

As I sat in the kitchen, in shock…confusion.. heart ache .. i knew it would be worse the moment she left. I watched her prep the Turkey, she was emotionless, stiff. She didn’t want to be here. Go. I will cook the turkey.

It was burnt at shit, because i lost track of time .. starring at the wall as it sat in the oven. I think I turned the oven off. My mom came over the next day, i couldn’t bare telling them right away. It was unreal. embarrassing..empty. painful. a nightmare and utter confusion.

The week that followed and she returned, i did my best to win her back. it was my fault, she told me. she told everyone apparently. she had me so tricked i even sent her flowers to work, validating her slander and gas lighting. She told me “by the way i made a Facebook”. (because we shared one due to her cheating so frequently and using it as a tool). ok i said. A couple days after her telling me, i opened my computer and saw her Facebook. public view. Not only had she not gone to have thanksgiving with her family.. as a picture of her and her friends was square in my face…  our 6 year relationship and 2 year engagement was a joke. My last name, plastered on her Facebook. It is the one image you will not see me black out names. I do not think its appropriate to display names and call people out, however I am returning the same curtesy. It is disgusting. It is disgusting the person I loved for 6 years went behind my back and thought this was amusing enough to like the comment, the joke.  I could not believe this, the cruelty.. where it came from? the uncaring nature. 6 years, and you treat me like a joke? After i am here, paying the rent and trying to win you back while you slander me and freeload and cheat and laugh it up? yeah, i could see why you thought the joke was on me. However, when i realized it was .. the joke was off. Bitch, you will never be an Ivens. You cannot be because we are faithful and we love deep.  Joke is on you.

When I saw this, I kicked her out and hence she left for DC. After she left, I  decided to look up her phone records (i had access because once again, she could not stop cheating). I hadn’t touched them prior to that, because she told me if I didn’t trust her, I would destroy our relationship. She used that month to go behind my back and cheat on me and make all her plans. Since she didn’t want to quit her job and I was paying the rent, she was simply going to freeload and have her cake and eat it too. No, no you don’t. You don’t leave me to starve. She left me with the lease, our dogs and dealing with the after math and ran off carefree – changed her number told me she doesn’t owe me anything. Called me a stalker because I kept trying to contact her to break the lease with the landlord..not to talk to her. treated me like i was nothing. In fact, like the others told me leave the girls alone. I did, because by then I realized it was not them it was her. Plus, they had nothing on me. There is nothing about these females that is better than me. The first time or two i thought, what is it they have that I don’t? Nothing. They just give her attention and treat her like she’s something more than she is. I did that as well – however i was worth so much more to be putting her on a pedestal. I just believed in her. Of course, each failure brought a new girl that was better than the last. i think the last one had like 16.5 million dollars. lol. Anyway. This was only the beginning of the hell. The realization. 3 weeks later i got a phone call i wish i never took. I wish i never did because I would have never been subjected to further abuse. To realize the person i loved was not who i thought. I didn’t know her, not an ounce. That is the scariest thing of all. To the fact that disordered people are out there – among us…and you don’t know. I know now, of course. but many of you don’t. That scares me.

 

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Recently, I have hit a roadblock and seemed to be healing well but just not letting go. After the last no contact and some failures in finding someone else… I couldn’t stand the thought of being here on Thanksgiving. Prompted by a last straw, I booked a ticket to Europe 2-3 weeks ago. No hotel, no plans. I have friends there i met online, hoped they would let me stay. I didn’t care about that – i would somehow manage. I just booked it and smiled, relieved I wouldn’t be here.. and excited that I was actually doing it.

oh and also.. oooOooo runaway to “DC”… ha! yeah, Europe 😉

because I am greater than you. it was you who held me back. Now i am free, you will get to watch me climb to heights your chains bound me from reaching. Chains i never saw as chains because I loved you enough to think of them as a lifeline. I would pull your weight, willingly up the mountain. Now that you cut the chains, I am almost weightless.. and the imprints left from cutting my circulation are nearly to the surface. Can you still see me from down there? I am climbing so fast.. i can almost see the top.

 

Who Am I ? PART I

I decided to revamp this blog post, because my original post was not through the eyes of someone who truly knows who they are. because i believe most people do not. I only realized I did not know myself after I started swallowing the projections of others. Of coarse, we all swallow projections here and there. If they are way out of line, we simply toss them aside as false. an eye roll, ok bitch yep thats me.

However, until you swallow every projection thrown at you – no matter how ridiculous and untrue it is.. you will never be desperate enough to face who you are in order to figure out who you are – cause you are bad and selfish and take advantage of people, you lie and use people and lead them on and the list goes on with how bad you are. You are lazy, not ambitious, not thoughtful, irresponsible, you don’t help people, an underachiever … you are all these things and that is the truth.

The weight of these projections will begin to eat at your soul, your very being. You are so terrible – but you don’t think you are. You can’t be? You just did this for someone, you did that for someone, you were just standing up for what you thought, you thought it was fair to ask, you didn’t know you were asking too much, you needed help, it was the best intention … you do care… right? then why are they calling you this? why are they telling you they are not and you are only bad? they did these things too! why can’t they see?! How can they think that is what you are and think they are good! they are “good”er and you are just bad! If you don’t do the good they say you should then you are bad. If you don’t do the good you will have face another truth about how bad you are.

this translates into you not being able to say no. this means if someone wants you to do something you do it. if someone says you are not doing something you do what they ask that you should be doing. people’s thoughts become your thoughts about yourself. This is when you are so vulnerable you can be manipulated by the slightest of things (even if you are aware it is absurd)

for example – say you worked all week and came home every night and were painting a room in your house cause it was so outdated and uncomfortable for you to relax in..  then babysat for your cousin for a few hours for her to run some errands then you cleaned your neighbor’s floors because earlier in the week they were saying how dirty they were because they simply can’t do it physically because they are elderly and even though they have kids none of the kids come to clean the floors, even though your neighbor is always helping them financially and never says anything bad about them … and even though your neighbor does so much more for them and bitched about your slip and slide being trashy and you wasting water… even though their kid has, say…a naked party slip and slide that uses the blood of poached endangered species to make it slippery.. the truth is your neighbor watches your dogs for you when you ask and always invites you are for nice meals and cares about how you’re doing and says how proud they are that their neighbor is the winner of the town’s pie baking contest.
If one of their kids were to say to you , after you told them about your week “well You don’t help me, one one helps me” you literally have no way of fending off a projection. You are so worn down and can’t see how they can say this when no one is there helping you paint your room and you even babysat and cleaned for a neighbor. but you did relax on sunday.. they did do you a favor last time they were visiting your elderly neighbor and plowed your driveway… its selfish of you to not repay them back as soon as possible. its selfish of you to relax..even though you cleaned their parents floor..and they didn’t..

guess what? You eat their projection. The truth is you didn’t help them. It could be a lie no one helps them, or it could be true but you just helped someone that if they helped you could have helped them. Then they wouldn’t have said the projection to begin with.. but they didn’t and they don’t help their elderly parent clean the floor and there are 2 of them and your neighbor is all alone and so genuinely kind that you cannot stand the thought of them having to deal with a dirty floor for months.. so you continue to help your neighbor and eat the projections every time. physically you are exhausted. mentally, spiritually.. who you are is exhausted.

They are married and get help their spouse. You are alone and no one helped you paint. However – you realize no one is obligated to help you..because you don’t believe you “deserve” or are “entitled” to anything because people tell you how easy you have it and how hard they have it so you feel bad about if you were to mention it .. because once it happens so much no one has to tell you their thoughts for you to question if they should be yours.. they become yours.

You are forced to internalize and evaluate every projection in every situation. Some are completely false, but the amount which are accurate what does it matter? you are so bad you are probably not perceiving that you are these other bad things too. worse things. You are all of these things. You are so bad. why are you so bad? where did you learn to be bad? or someone must have been bad to you for you to be bad to other people? No! stop these irrational thoughts… they are not yours. How many peoples projections are you consuming? you are filled and cannot take one more. You will burst in flames. The panic sets in. you attempt to think logically. If i am all of these things, the majority I agree with and I do not think I am bad than these things are not terrible, horrible things they must be human nature. AHA! you sigh in relief. you’re not bad. WE ARE ALL BAD! wow, this is amazing… this is the issue and the block to growth and to communicating … you begin chasing for someone to say they are bad so that you can rid yourself of the burden of these projections. In the back of your head and in your being you feel the heat, the smoke.. knowing that until someone relieves it,  one more projection could be the end all and you will burn in hell. However – its so obvious and so ok, its a relief to know you’re not bad that other people will want this relief to open doors to such potential.. its worth risking it all given the probability of them admitting they are bad once you explain. So you do explain, excitedly. They refuse to give it a chance. refuse science, refuse logic. You beg. you become agitated, hyper. OK I KNOW WATCH ILL SHOW THEM HOW EASY IT IS! You admit how selfish and wrong you are. they validate it. you apologize, sincere. NOW YOUR TURN! you say.. impatient for the release. They say sorry for anything i did. you say NO SPECIFICS. LIKE I DID SAME FORMAT. SPECIFIC EVENT YOU WERE SELFISH OR WRONG. HOW THAT MADE ME FEEL. YOU ARE SORRY. hell even say you weren’t sorry.. or that you will probably do it again but just acknowledge it and how that must have made me feel. say you made me feel that way. say you were bad. They don’t – so you give another example. They still do not. so you chase the next person the next and each time you become more “insane” with the need to release it, but each time you learn not only are you eating their projection – you are validating it – telling them you are bad – they are confirming it .. sometimes you even give multiple examples! ones they didn’t even say to you before!

an explosion occurs, flames burst. you projectile – project the projection back. You go off projecting wildly at whoever says the last projection to you or invalidates you – saying the craziest shit (to them). To you it makes perfect sense – exaggerated examples and thoughts  writing  but that is how you feel inside. It’s over. They think you’re nuts. However, at least it was enough of a cool down to where you do burn to the ground. They get upset you say these things about them onto of you being crazy. but, can’t they see how unfair it is to make you validate such things after the abuse you suffered? they won’t even take some of the projections you’ve been eating for months? if they won’t be courageous enough to say they are bad can’t they at least do that?! they not see you are desperate? no. they see you are crazy. you need sleep. you need to do this to do that.

NO I NEED YOU TO JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO ME. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT I NEED, ITS THAT SIMPLE ARE YOU DEAF? I AM AN ADULT. I HAVE 7 YEARS OF UNDERGRADUATE EDUCATION. A DUEL MAJOR IN BIOLOGY AND ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH. A MINOR IN PHILOSOPHY AND PSYCHOLOGY.I AM A VETERAN OF THE UNITED STATES ARMY NATIONAL GUARD WITH THE RANK SERGEANT. I HAVE AN AMAZING JOB. I HAVE NO REAL PROBLEMS BECAUSE THIS YEAR AND I DID NOT CAUSE IT TO MYSELF. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ?? HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME THIS WAY? OH I CONVENIENTLY NOW I AM IRRESPONSIBLE AND DON’T LIVE ON MY OWN AND NEED HELP AND CRAZY. FUCK YOU. IF I AM HUNGRY I DONT TELL YOU I NEED WATER! I TELL YOU I NEED A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER FUCKFACE!  I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO THINK YOUR THOUGHTS NOW YOU TRY TO THINK MINE. IT MUST BE NICE TO THINK SOLELY YOUR OWN…SELFISH OF YOU TO NOT EVEN TRY TO THINK MINE. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME WHEN I SUFFERED SO MUCH, YOU LET ME VALIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS .. AND YOU NOT ONLY DO NOT HELP ME, DO NOT GIVE ME RELIEF YOU CONTRIBUTE TO MY HELL AND SEND ME DEEPER. This repeats –

The “abuse” continues… because when you project and say rude ass, untrue shit to an abuse victim you fuck their world up because they cannot toss projections. Everyone goes to the core of their being. a stab in the heart, in the back…and you attack them to preserve what “you” that you have left. the only alternative would be that you are evil and if thats the case, only in death will you stop the bad, the hurt you cause to others for no rhyme or reason. eventually you suffer the hell alone and isolate – but you keep searching for the light…hoping you find it before its too late.

i was left with 4 dogs i refused to give up. I had to move out or give up 2. I refused to give them up because i would not abandon – i would not do that. Anyway, they would say I was bad for doing it if i did. I would be bad either way – you see. because someone is always going to have an opinion. a situation can be perceived however anyone wants to. All we need to do is listen to other people. There are ways to tell if someones perception is flawed or if you’re refusing to try to think their thoughts. Consider the background, their credibility. Maybe i am irresponsible. We all are. I will tell you i am – but i am also responsible. There is not one thing that I am not and i am. However, I know when someone tells me i am something when they do not consider my situation .. or they are the same thing but worse with something else… and they are not even willing to consider this – i know that person does not know themselves.

So i say thank you for your projection as it helps me reflect upon myself, I love and care about you enough to consider it and I will agree with it to an extent that I am it (unless its completely false – gas lighting) but ultimately I know who I am .. and no offense but how can someone who doesn’t even know how to know themselves try to know me? K, when you know yourself then i will truly consider that this is one character I may not know about myself and reevaluate it. until then, i am 100% confident of who I am.

So, instead of telling you who I am. I think I will tell you who others say I am for this post. The first one, from my narc was the first true apology I have ever received from her. It made me cry, i could not believe after all these years I finally got it. This is who I am. This is what she did – 100% honest – this moment. All i ever wanted.

JUST KIDDING BUT I STILL LIKE READING IT. IT MAKES ME SOFTEN, FOR A MOMENT. WANTING TO BELIEVE IT. SO THE TRUTH?

  1. i am not that person anymore. It was me, 100% of who i thought i was and she saw me in the same way. I am still some of it, but not the majority of it.
  2. THIS ISN’T A FUCKING GRAND LOVE REALIZED MY MISTAKES ERROR OF MY WAYS STORY – she is a narcissist. SHE LOVES EVERYONE. THIS IS HER STORY WITH EVERYONE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. minor differences but i am sure she copy/pastes lol.
  3. She says this shit to make the story so she feels she has it, she says this shit because she wants you to take her back and knows what sounds great.
  4. She doesn’t say this because she feels this way. the only thinks she should feel this way because that is how a normal person would feel. if she does deceive herself into “Feeling” it she isn’t. she’s thinking it. because when you feel something, you don’t just say shit and take it back. you don’t change the story and you don’t rewrite it.
  5. IT IS A LIE – IT WAS HER TRUTH FOR A SPLIT SECOND, CAUSE SHE WANTED ME TO TAKE HER BACK…SHE MAY HAVE PRETENDED TO FEEL THAT WAY BUT AS SOON AS I SAID THANK YOU, ITS ALL I EVER WANTED BUT I CAN’T DO THIS .SHE AINT SORRY ANYMORE HA!
  6. She was probably just triangulating me. i am not sure if that occurred at this time or after i refused to take her back.
  7. THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER for a narc! . HG EVEN WROTE ABOUT IT, because we all have these same conversations with them. they all say the same shit. HG is just honest. THEY DRINK THE WATER AND PISS IT AND KILL THEIR GRASS INSTEAD.
  8. I have received apology and fucked up words after apology after fucked up words and have finally understood what I am sorry means to her either – I AM SORRY THAT I AM NOT SORRY or DISCLAIMER, I AM GOING TO DO THIS AGAIN – OOPSIE.
  9. getover

    grassgreener
    A LINE FROM HG TUDOR’s CONVERSATION WITH HIS THERAPIST

There is part of her that I saw that has been the best person in this world that i’ve met so far. No one has loved me more.  Cared for me more, made me feel safe and comfort and happy and forever…she was all i needed and she was my world. her and I. and our dogs. our family. I swear. I swear I wish with all my heart that she would become the person I knew. That I believed in, that I saw there .. stared in the eyes of.. loved more than anything in this world..

but I know that it may have never been a real person. I just hope for her sake, it was. For that person, I wish the best. peace and love comfort and protection. I swear she was a good person. I can never hate that person. May be she rest in peace or rise from the dead.